The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis
by Colorlessgreenideas
Summary: Features Hermione and Draco. All chapters recently revised. I swear to god I am going to finish this one of these days.
1. The Sorting Feast

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis**

**Chapter One**

**In which Ron writes for fanfiction.net, the Sorting Feast is hilarious, and our main character ZELDA is introduced**

_It was another fine, colorful, perfect autumn in England. All was right with the world. Birds were singing, leaves were falling cheerfully, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team had just won their recent match against Ravenclaw, which had naturally resulted in a great deal of fist-pumping, high-fiving,  and "WhhoooOoOoOOOo!!"-ing._

_The captain of the team, Ron Weasley, was the most gorgeous hunk of Quidditch-playing meat that anyone had ever set eyes on. He was handsomely tall, and had a delicious finely-sculpted, well-oiled body. Naturally, every single female in the entire school, including all the portraits, and the professors, had asked him out... several times. But he only had eyes for his special girl, Mary Sue. She was so beautiful, she was even more famous than Harry Potter.   Because she had fallen so desperately in love with Ronald Weasley, he had by default become even more famous than Harry, not to mention better in the sack..._

"RON!"

Ron looked up, surprised. "What?" he said guiltily, as he tried to nonchalantly cover up what he had been writing.

Hermione rolled her eyes. She knew that Ron frequently wrote and posted stories on fanfiction.net under the author name Weasleyfan17. But, she secretly enjoyed his fics, especially the Justin Finch-Fletchley/Ron/Mulder crossover slash. But that's a different story.

"The sorting ceremony is about to begin, so I think it's time to put your fanfiction writing away."

 "What?  What are you talking about?  I don't write fanfic!" Ron tried his best to recover, eliciting an eye roll from Hermione. 

McGonagall had the first years lined up and the Sorting Hat was once again amusing everyone to no end with its new song for the year, which was much too hilarious to be reprinted here. When it was over, and everyone had regained his or her composure, the first name was called.

_Apatheticalia, Abraham _was sorted into Hufflepuff where thankfully he would not have to be mentioned again. A crew of pierced, messy-haired gothic punks were sorted into Slytherin, much to the chagrin of the well-coiffed, immaculately-dressed Draco Malfoy. He had a horrified vision of tortured poetry readings in the common room, with the Cure playing solemnly and depressingly in the background.

Finally, there were no more first years left, and everyone was ready to dig in to dinner. But Dumbledore clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "My dear students.. your attention please. We have one more new student this year. But.." his eyes scanned the room "..where the devil is she?"

Suddenly the doors burst open. Everyone gasped simultaneously, sucking most of the oxygen out of the room, causing McGonagall to quickly transfigure some more. They all turned to look, and saw...

Lavender, followed closely by Crabbe. Many appetites were lost. Lavender managed a weak "I was just checking for the.. uh... in the bathroom.. and...", while Crabbe, oblivious to it all, belched loudly and galloped over to the Slytherin table, knocking over a goth or two before taking his place.

Suddenly, again, the doors, which were already open, fell off their hinges in surprise, and everyone nearly fell out of their chairs, with the complete and utterly unbelievable shock of it all. For standing before them was an angel from heaven, the next Cleopatra, a glittery being that only could have been created by the loving hands of the most painstakingly brilliant artist to ever walk the planet. She was a vision in white. She had silky, luxurious blonde hair cascading down her back in waves reminiscent of the soothing waves of the ocean.

Her piercing, penetrating ORANGE eyes caused several boys to swoon. And she had a gorgeously firm and curvaceous body with a bosom threatening to spill out of her dress at any minute. She smiled her biggest smile, and did the princess-parade wave to everyone as she walked deliberately down the middle of the Great Hall. Dumbledore looked on lovingly and allowed this ridiculous spectacle to occur, until our mysterious lady stood in front of the High Table.

Dumbledore spoke. "We have a new student this year." 

Hermione wondered to herself, "_Did he really have to say that? Didn't everyone just watch her walk through the room?_"

"She is so very special, and we are fortunate to finally have her in our midst. You see, she is the love child of the four founders of Hogwarts, and had been cryogenically frozen next to Walt Disney for thousands of years. But now it is her time to walk among us, and attend school with all of you lucky, lucky students. May I present to you Princess Zelda Slythlepuff-Gryffinclaw!"

Ron thought dreamily to himself, "_Just like in my story!  A real Mary Sue_!"

Dumbledore continued, "She is AGELESS, of course, but will be attending classes with the um... the..." he turned to the Gryffindor table. "Er, what year are you in again, Harry?"

"Seventh, sir."

"Ah yes, she will be attending seventh year classes." Dumbledore gazed at Zelda lovingly. Flitwick had to nudge him. "Oh, and she will have her own private quarters, but will be able to visit any common room she likes, whenever she likes. And, she'll be the Head Girl. And first-chair flute, and captain of the Dueling Club, and in charge of the Prom... I mean the Yule Ball." He sighed the most contented sigh he had ever sighed. 

"Let the feast begin."

Snape scowled directly into his soup.


	2. Zelda is annoying, StonerDraco

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis **

**Chapter Two**

**In which people start pairing up randomly, things get slashy in the boys' dorm, Draco suddenly morphs into a stoner, Snape worries the students will find out he's a PERV, and Zelda walks on the wrong side of the hallway.**

It was the first day of class. Hermione woke up early and decided to write a 5-foot essay on what she hoped to learn this year, just for fun. She glanced over at Lavender's bed, and noticed it was empty. Hermione was momentarily grossed out at the thought of Lavender sleeping down in the Slytherin dungeons with Crabbe, but then she looked at Parvati's bed and saw the two Gryffindors sleeping in a jumble of limbs and frilly pajamas. _So that's what that noise was last night_, Hermione thought. _Good thing I just ignored all the shrieking, although if you think about it, why would anyone ignore loud noises like that when there's an evil wizard on the loose who probably wants to kill you...? Oh well, best not to dwell on it._ She did her best to get dressed quietly. As she started to head down to breakfast, an evil thought occurred to her. She cleared her throat as dramatically and loudly as possible, then gasped in pretend shock when Lavender and Parvati both awoke with a start and jumped out of bed. As Hermione ran down the hall, snickering, Lavender was rapidly failing to explain the situation. "I was just ... um... and she had a nightmare... and we... oh, Merlin's toenails."

Hermione made her second dramatic entrance of the day by bursting into the seventh year boys' room and bouncing on top of the sleeping form of Harry. He groggily moaned and attempted to push her off. "Wake up, you big lug, let's go to breakfast." 

Harry of course could not fathom anyone being so excited about anything so early in the morning, and was less than thrilled to face the beginning of the school year. Hermione was tickling him as Ron walked into the room carrying a bundle of sheets. He looked guiltily at his two friends as he casually dumped them on his stripped down bed and sat down at his desk. Harry got up and patted him knowingly on the back. "It's okay Ron, it happens to all young men. Did you have that special kind of dream about Zelda?" 

"Um, what?" asked Ron, a little too cheerfully.  "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, Ron. There comes a time in the life of each young man when he begins to have a special kind of dream.  You know.  DIRTY ones.  Although I'm a bit disturbed that you're seventeen and not aware of this. But anyways, what happens is…"

"Harry?" came Neville's voice from the other side of the room. "Do you mind if I sit in on this one too? Hardly anyone posts dirty fics about me, because I am so innocent.  I'm so ashamed.  And all the SEX books are in the restricted section." 

"Of course Neville, get over here and join us!" 

Dean piped in, "I've got a few questions of my own", and strode purposefully over. Seamus didn't even pretend to have an excuse; he just didn't want to be left out. 

Harry began again. "Now, when a man has a special kind of thought, he gets a special kind of feeling in his special area... well, here, let me show you." The gathering deteriorated with lightening speed into a slashy mess of boys, with Harry's bed straining under the weight.  Hermione escaped while she still had the chance. 

For breakfast, she helped herself to some beans on toast and Guinness, or whatever the hell British people have for breakfast. As she sipped her Earl Grey, she was jostled from behind. "Heyyyyyyy, what's up, man?" said a leisurely drawl. Draco Malfoy was standing behind Hermione with an big grin on his face. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, sitting down and helping himself to a large plate of Cheetos. 

"Draco, what are you doing?" demanded Hermione. "You can't sit here!" 

Draco managed to look surprised and incredibly mellow at the same time. "Huh?" he asked, Cheetos crumbs spilling on his tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirt. "Oh yeah. Nhahahaaaaaa, I totally forgot! Woah… But thanks for the Cheetos, dude. Peace!" Draco adjusted his purple John Lennon sunglasses and his hemp necklace before carefully carrying his Cheetos over to the Slytherin table.

Just as Hermione was recovering from the sight of stoner!Draco, she was joined by someone else. At first she had to look away because of the blinding light that was emanating from the seat next to her. "Oh great. Must be Zelda," she thought with a groan. 

Zelda flashed a sparkling smile and said, "Hermione, right? Pleased to meet you." 

"The pleasure's all mine." Hermione grumbled. Everyone was staring at them, especially the boys, except Draco who was intently studying the floating candles in the Great Hall and laughing intermittently. Hermione had a good idea of what would happen today. Zelda would be in all her classes, and be just as smart, if not smarter than her. Everyone would fawn over her and Hermione would be forced to lose her breakfast in a most violent manner.

Hermione watched as Zelda served up her breakfast. She put a thin slice of cantaloupe on her plate and poured something from a flask into a goblet, then took a polite sip. 

"Not much of a meal there, Zelda," Hermione pointed out, as the content-looking group of seventh year Gryffindor boys sat down to join them, fresh from their slash adventures on Harry's bed.

"Oh, I'm on a diet. I can only eat 42 calories per meal, and I have to drink this special potion all day, because I was cryogenically frozen for thousands of years." said Zelda cheerfully as she took another sip.

Ron gazed googly-eyed as though it were the most fascinating thing anyone had ever said. Neville blushed and tried to hide behind the large platter of fried tomatoes. Dean and Seamus beat each other up in their effort to be the one who got to sit next to her. Only Harry seemed to be able to ignore Zelda, concentrating instead on simultaneously smiling at every single male at the Hufflepuff table.  Hermione just stared at them. "What's the deal?" she muttered. "Zelda is a FEMALE.  I thought all these guys were all just involved in a slash-fest upstairs." 

Breakfast was over too quickly for Zelda's new fan club, because they wanted to stare at her all day, but not quickly enough for Hermione, who felt as though her eyes may become permanently rolled up into her head.

"Oh, Hermione, what's your first class? I have Potions now!", announced Zelda, delighted with herself. Hermione didn't even have to look at her schedule to know that she had this and EVERY OTHER class with Zelda. She sighed and said glumly, "How about that, so do I." 

"Let's walk down together, shall we? Ron's going to carry my books.  And Neville and Dean are going to carry ME."

Hermione just gave in and walked dejectedly next to the chattering, beautiful, PERFECT Head Girl, who by the way was wearing a set of soft blue robes to match the pastel ribbons in her hair, and to set off the diamond-like sparkling of her fiery orange eyes.  They arrived at the potions classroom right on time, because just after they had taken their seats, Snape stalked dramatically into the room. "Potter!" he barked, "five ingredients that go into the Moleculus Drapilious potion!" 

Harry stuttered, "I-I-I'm afraid I don't know that one, sir." 

Snape smiled nastily. "Of course you don't. I just made it up. You should have known that! One JILLION points from Gryffindor!" He glared at the room, daring someone to challenge him, when his gaze fell upon Zelda. His eyes widened, then narrowed, then widened again. He was having trouble with his contact lenses. She took the opportunity to state, "I knew that one, Professor!" and everyone around her nodded appreciatively, including the Slytherins, except Draco who was still stoned, and staring at the bubbling beakers at the front of the room and laughing intermittently.

"Why Zelda," purred Snape, "You are simply a delight to have in my class. Maybe you can teach these MORONS a thing or two." He reached down to pat her on the head, and distractedly said, "Today we'll be preparing the difficult potion of .. um...Optimus Prime..." he trailed off, distracted by the softness of Zelda's hair. She motioned for him to come closer and whispered something in his ear. "Oh! I mean, ahem, of course, we'll be making a potion that causes the drinker to appear as though they dressed as an obnoxious TOURIST.  The reason for this potion is so the drinker can blend into any city in the world.  So, you can see, it's very useful.  Yes, Zelda?  You have a question?" he asked as he prepared the students' ingredients on the front table.

"Sir," she simpered, "I've seen this potion in use before. I was visiting a cathedral in Rome in a fanfic called _"Roman Holiday_". And I saw YOU all dressed up in a sleazy Eurotrash outfit."

Snape accidentally knocked a flask onto the ground, and it hit with a soft clunk. He grimaced at this, because he wanted to be more DRAMATIC than that. He replaced the flask on the table, then with a sweeping gesture, knocked **every single** flask, beaker, and bottle onto the floor. Satisfied with himself, he then remembered to look dismayed.  He didn't want Zelda to tell all the students about his torrid affair with Hermione in "_Roman Holiday_".  And of course Hermione was shocked too, because she didn't want everyone to know she had screwed around with both Snape and Draco in the same day.

"Zelda, now is not the time NOR the place!" he shouted.  And then leaned over and whispered, "but don't worry, you're still my favorite student." Snape shot a quick glance at Hermione, who was shooting a quick glance at Draco, who was shooting a not-very-quick, in fact quite STONED and drawn out look at the pot leaf he was carving into the work table. Snape didn't want anyone to find out about their escapades in Rome, but little did he know that practically everyone in the room had read that fic already and discussed it at great length in their Analyzing Dirty Fanfiction class last year.

Since all the materials for the potion were laying on the floor, broken, Snape got more from the back room, and just about everyone brewed a perfect Optimus Prime potion with the help of Zelda. Everyone successfully morphed themselves into TOURISTS.  When they tested the potions at the end of class, Goyle turned into an American with white sneakers and a loud Hawaiian shirt, and even Neville looked like a tight-pants-and-sweater wearing Frenchman as he smoked his cigarette and tried to look deep. The only people who didn't succeed were the gothic first year Slytherins who just looked more punk, if that were even possible. Instead of brewing the potion they had spent the hour applying black lipstick and trying to transfigure their cauldron into a leather-studded dog collar. They had accidentally gotten into seventh year potions by impressing Snape with their all-black fashions.

Snape dismissed the class, but only after taking a SKILLION MORE points from Gryffindor and giving them to Zelda. It was kind of pointless, because she wasn't even in a house, but she gave the points to Ron secretly because she felt bad, and wanted everyone to like her. She exited the room with a swish of her smart-looking tourist outfit. Hermione watched as she plowed through the WRONG SIDE of the hallway. _Of course Zelda walks on the opposite side of the hall.  She needs to be able to be noticed, not to mention run into everyone and rub her perfect body all over them, _Hermione thought disgustedly. She threw a glance backwards into the room and noticed Snape roughly shaking Draco, trying to rouse him from his drug-induced stupor.

After Hermione left the scene naturally developed into hot (on the part of Snape) and giggly (on the part of a very STONED Draco) slash, but you knew that already.


	3. The Obligatory Dirty Scene

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis **

**Chapter Three**

**In which Ron and Zelda almost DO IT.**

"Oh.... Oh, Ron. OH!"

Ron's hand was firmly holding Zelda's. In fact, those were the only parts of them that were touching. But apparently, Zelda was having an orgasm. She smiled her million-dollar smile at Ron. 

Ron had always suspected that he was a stud, but this sealed the case. He whispered in a voice he hoped was sexy. "Ready for more?" Zelda was so blown away by his manliness that she could only nod. He moved to kiss her on the lips. They held their new embrace until Ron got up the nerve to use some tongue. From what he had heard, girls really liked a lot of tongue so he jammed as much of it as he could into Zelda's mouth. She tasted like Froot Loops.

"Mmmmmrrpphhh," she said to let him know that she was really enjoying it. Ron decided it was time to go to second base, or search for the Bludgers as they say in Quidditch. He removed her shirt carefully so as not to mess up her hair, and was confronted with a brassiere. He was getting impatient and didn't want to mess around with trying to undo it so he just pushed it up and went straight in, while kissing her deeply once again. The wire from her bra was poking her in the shoulder, and Ron's tongue was going to mouth depths that no man had visited before (with good reason). Zelda's ragged breathing and delicate cries either meant she was in SEVERE PAIN, or having another orgasm. When the cries stopped and she fluttered her eyelashes at Ron, he knew that he was on fire, metaphorically speaking. He gave her an obnoxious grin and moved to lay her down on his bed. 

Ron stripped off his own shirt, revealing his normal-looking 18-year-old body, as opposed to having Arnold Schwartzenagger-size muscles. He had a few scraggly chest hairs, red of course. He then reached down to remove Zelda's skirt. She was wearing dark green underwear with a VERY innapropriate word spelled out down the crotch. Ron was taken aback by the boldness of her underwear, and looked at her, alarmed. She sensed his unease and quickly transfigured them into plain pink, which was pointless because he just removed them anyways. Her womanhood looked very inviting and quite frankly Ron had no idea what to do with it. He gazed at it intently, trying to think of a plan of attack. Needless to say he was quite surprised when he heard the now familiar moans of "Yes... oh, Ron, yes. Oh YES!" 

_Ohhhhh, boy. Seriously, who knew I was so GOOD? _ He was really aroused now. He stood up to take off his pants, and then realized that he was about to be naked in front of a girl! Fortunately, his hormones won out over his sense of shame and he quickly removed the rest of his clothes. But when he laid down on her, her legs locked his in a death grip, as her face went from sexy to seriously ANNOYED.

"Ron," she said, and not in a sexy way. "I'm surprised at you. Didn't you know that nice girls don't have sex?" 

Ron faltered. "Umm... what?"

"Even though I would never describe myself as perfect, I am far too perfect to ever have sex until AFTER I get married and *N'SYNC plays at my wedding. Honestly!"

With a wave of her wand she was dressed and flouncing out the door. "I bet you don't even know *N'SYNC," was her final, cutting remark that echoed from the hallway.

Not surprisingly, Ron found SOMETHING to do that lasted five to seven minutes. He lay in bed, thankful that his roommates were not there (because he had locked them in the CLOSET earlier). And he wondered who exactly had invented a sperm-cleaning-up spell. Just one of those things, I guess.


	4. Is Zelda a fake? EvilDraco

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis**

**Chapter Four**

**In which Draco becomes extremely EVIL and Zelda acts quite un-British.**

At lunch the next week, Hermione sat down as Ginny was excitedly whispering to Harry, "...and I heard she's part Mermaid too!" Noticing Hermione, Ginny gushed, "Oh, 'Mione, she's just the greatest. If it weren't for her, I'd be failing Charms.  And I wouldn't be learning all these important facts about becoming a woman, like how much eyeliner to use and how to pick out the cutest pairs of shoes!"

"I can only assume you're talking about Zelda," grumbled Hermione. She was beginning to think there was something up with that girl. She didn't seem very British.  There had been numerous occasions where something didn't seem quite right.  Like the fact that Zelda REFUSED to drink tea, ever.  And she didn't laugh at Hermione's Knights of Ni joke from the movie _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. Hermione knew she could never mention this to anyone.  Because even the thought of Zelda being LESS than PERFECT caused all Hogwarts students, except her, to become very defensive and sullen. Even Ron's slightly embarrassing sex escapade with her only made him to respect her more. So Hermione just kept it to herself.

_I certainly don't want to be called jealous again, _she thought as she watched Draco stalk haughtily into the Great Hall. _Draco. Now there's another boy with some serious issues. _On the way to the Slytherin table he tripped a Ravenclaw third-year, kneed a first-year in the groin, and sent up the Dark Mark. After his stint as a pot-smoking half-wit, he had suddenly morphed into the EVILEST of the evil. He took pleasure in torturing small animals and was suspected to be responsible for several break-ins at Gringotts, devil-worshipping, vandalism, and more than one count of littering on school grounds. 

As Hermione pondered this, everyone else was welcoming Zelda to their table. Even though she could sit at any table since she belonged to all the houses, she almost always sat with the famous gang of Gryffindors. "G'day mates!" she called cheerfully. Everyone laughed uproariously except Hermione who narrowed her eyes and suddenly remembered somewhere else she had to be. "See you in class!" chirped Zelda as Hermione gathered up her things. 

A commotion over at the Slytherin table got everyone's attention. Draco had KILLED one of the undeserving first-year goth boys and was laughing in a mad-scientist fashion while holding the bloody knife high in the air.

_Yeah, something is **definitely** not right with him_, thought Hermione as she headed to the library. 

That afternoon, Charms class passed rather uneventfully. Hermione had become accustomed to Zelda knowing all the answers, getting all the praise, and out-teachers-petting her by yards (I mean meters). It wasn't so bad, because Hermione still did all the work and extra credit, and was still enjoying the class.  But occasionally she noticed Zelda was being incredibly patronizing and allowing her to give the correct answer or have the attention of the professor for five whole seconds. _Whatever_, thought Hermione. _The author is starting to give crappy hints to Zelda's major character flaw.  So this obviously isn't going to last bloody long. _

As class ended, Zelda was finishing up her extra-credit speech on Erasing charms. "...so like I said, that charm can be used to CHANGE YOUR ANSWER on a test once you've already left the room. Arrrrrrrrrrrr, matey!"

Flitwick beamed, even though Zelda had just given everyone a way to cheat on tests. The rest of the class was furiously copying down notes and didn't notice the inexplicable pirate ending to Zelda's presentation, but Hermione had, and thought "_case in point!", _as she got up from her seat. 

She happened to glance over to where Draco was sitting and noticed him lording over a very DEAD Pansy Parkinson, having just delivered the killing curse.  Flitwick was too enthralled with Zelda to notice.

***********************************

Later that evening, Hermione was idly finishing her homework, and speculating on Zelda's weird non-British behaviors_. I bet she's really a ROBOT. _Crookshanks meowed pitifully from his corner, because he had been ignored by the story so far. _Well, there's one way to find out more.._

Even though it was a muggle device and should have BLOWN UP ages ago because of the special wards on the school, Hermione had a radio. It was a special sort of radio that only had one station. Plot-specific programming. It would only broadcast news items that helped to further the plot. It was quite a handy little thing. Hermione flipped it on just in time to hear "...and in conclusion of our nine-hour documentary on the founders of Hogwarts, they all hated each other and would NEVER have spent five SECONDS in a room together, much less enough time to create some sort of irritating MAGICAL CHILD. And in other Hogwarts news, Professor Snape is currently lying in the hallway outside the kitchen, possibly bleeding to death..." Hermione snapped it off. _Oh, no! Not Professor Snape! I have a secret crush on him. _She ran out of her dorm room and into the common room.

"Quick, who knows where the kitchen is!?" Hermione was spazzing out. Ron, Harry, and Zelda looked up from their three-way chess game. Zelda knew, of course. 

"Right, you just, um, nip up the weckershams," said Zelda apprehensively. Hermione furrowed her brow. "Then you, er, pop 'round the gorn and scumbles, and Jack's a donut, there you are!" 

"Jack's a _donut_?  Don't you mean 'Bob's your uncle'?"

Zelda looked shifty.  "Um, right.  Here, I'll just show you the way."

"Okay, but hurry!"

Zelda and Hermione ran out of the portrait hole, closely followed by Zelda's PETS, Harry and Ron. They all headed down a staircase, through a dark hallway, and down another staircase.

"ARrrrgh!" cried Harry "I'm sensing DANGER!"

Everyone skidded to a halt and stared at him.

"No.  No, wait, false alarm.  I was just sensing MILDEW.  Sorry.  Sorry everyone!"

They continued running. The group burst around a corner to see Professor Snape lying in a pool of blood. Hermione gasped and ran to his side. "Oh, Professor! Who did this to you? Was it Voldemort and the one million Cruciatus curses he gives you every week?"

Snape looked up and said, weakly. "No.. it was... it was Draco. He stabbed me when I told him he couldn't SACRIFICE A GOAT in the Slytherin common room. He.. he escaped into the kitchen." Snape pointed to the door.

With a determined look on her face, Hermione left Snape bleeding in the hallway, because she knew it would be more SEXY if she got to heal him privately in his quarters.  Lord knows he wasn't capable of healing HIMSELF despite being 37 and an expert wizard. She ran bullheaded into the kitchen just in time to see Draco bite the head off a live chicken and chew it EVILLY. 

"Draco, that's disgusting," she said, as blood ran down his chin. "I bet that doesn't even taste good."

For no reason at all, Zelda piped in with "Here, you can wrap the leftovers in this aluminum." 

Hermione gasped. Harry looked at her quizzically. Exasperatedly, Hermione pointed out, "She said a-LUM-i-num instead of a-lu-MIN-i-um. Like an AMERICAN would, instead of a British person.  You just couldn't tell because the author forgot to add the emphasis."

Harry just patted her back condescendingly. "It's okay 'Mione. We all know you're just jealous of Zelda.  You don't have to start making stuff up about her having an American accent."

Hermione looked at him like he had grown another head. Because Ron had put a hex on him and he actually HAD grown another head. She was going to yell at him that she was NOT jealous, but thought better of it and snapped her mouth shut. She just shook her head and went back out to the hallway, where Professor Snape was bleeding SEXILY.  


	5. The REAL Zelda revealed, FratboyDraco

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis **

**Chapter Five **

**In which there are more random pairings, Draco becomes a Frat Boy and hosts a barbeque, and Zelda & Crabbe narrowly escape DEATH in the lake.**

"Harry. Hey, Harry. Wake up. I think there's someone knocking."

Harry rolled over and looked at the clock. It was noon. Thank god it was Saturday. He grumbled, "Come in..."

"Harry, why aren't you up yet.... oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you weren't alone." Hermione shook her head. _What was up with people just sleeping with others right in front of their roommates? I suppose it's not out of the ordinary here since we've all pretty much done each other already. _She took another look at Harry's white-haired bed partner. _Is that... OLLIVANDER? The wand guy? Who's like 200 years old? _Indeed it was. He gave Hermione a disgusting dirty old man smile. _Um, yuck? _she thought to herself. She was as big of a fan of slash as the next girl, but lines occasionally had to be drawn, in her mind. 

But back to the task at hand.

"Harry, I just wanted to know if you were going to the barbeque this afternoon," she said, trying not to look directly at the bed.

"A barbeque? Who's great idea was that?"

"Well, apparently the Slytherins organized it. So we'll most likely all get the magical equivalent to the E.coli bacteria.  But I thought it might be interesting to check it out." 

"Hmmmm," pondered Harry. "How about it, my little lamby Ollivander? Are you up for a cookout today?"

"I'll show you a cookout.." said Ollivander sexily. Hermione shuddered visibly, and knew she would be taking a long, scalding hot shower with plenty of soap to wash the feeling of disgust off. She had obviously been forgotten, since the two boys.. that is, men... er, males! The two males were engrossed in each other, and Ollivander appeared to be reaching for a can of Spam sitting on the nightstand. Hermione fled from the room.

**************************************************************

Later on, outside, the barbeque was really getting going. The smell of charred animal flesh was drifting lazily through the air. Draco and his sidekicks had gotten a couple kegs of beer and were charging 14 sickles and 3 knuts for a red plastic cup and all the beer you could drink. Only the 18-year-olds were allowed to booze it up, as that is the drinking age in England.  Everyone younger had to stick with butterbeer, or as a special Muggle treat, soda. Colin Creevy had already had 27 cans of Pepsi and was experiencing the sugar rush of a lifetime. The older students were enjoying the party too. In fact most were trashed already as a result of the beer bong that Malfoy had transfigured from a piece of tubing and a funnel. There had also been some keg stands, the most impressive being McGonagall's. 

Ginny and Zelda were standing together.  Ginny scanned the students and faculty congregated on the school grounds. She couldn't pick out Harry, Ron, or Hermione. "I don't see them. Do you?"

Zelda shook her head. "But, as I was saying, after my brother and I saved the child from the burning building, we built an entire hospital and then sewed new clothes for the homeless. All in one weekend!" 

Ginny looked at Mary Sue in surprise. "You have a brother?" _I bet he's hot, and perfect just like her. Oh, if only I could meet him. I live for the attention of boys!_

"Yeah, his name is Gary and he's my best friend in the whole world! Besides everyone at Hogwarts, that is. In fact, we were given a special medal of honor by the president because we are just so perfect."

"The president?  Of what?" Ginny asked. 

"OH! I mean, not the president. The.... guy. You know, that person in charge of the country. What is it called again? Oh yeah, the Prime Minister." Zelda looked pleased with herself for correcting her mistake so unnoticeably.

"Oh, there's Hermione and my brother. Oi! Ron! Hermione! Over here!" shouted Ginny.

"Hey, Zelda!" Ron was all worked up. "Did you hear? Draco organized a buffalo-wing-eating contest and I TOTALLY kicked ass! WOOOOOOOOOOO!" Apparently Ron was drunk as well. But Hermione wasn't. She was incredibly wary this whole barbeque, especially Draco and his most recent metamorphosis. He was now sporting a backwards white baseball cap and a grey T-shirt reading "PROPERTY OF COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY" across the front. He had supplied the beer, started a food fight, and was currently on his seventh hotdog of the afternoon. At least now he was eating cooked meat. Hermione watched as Draco guffawed loudly at something Dumbledore had just said, and proceeded to pat the old wizard on the rear end. 

Suddenly, there was a loud noise! Everyone looked up in surprise (some people looked up rather slowly because the beer had kicked in) and saw that Peeves had knocked over one of the Quidditch flagpoles. He had accidentally WALKED THROUGH one of the kegs, and was as blasted as a transparent ghost could get. He had also transfigured the flags on the field to have naughty words on them, but the best he could come up with was "FECK", "ARSE", and not surprisingly, "DRINK". These hilarious new flags caused the Slytherins to cheer in an obnoxious manner. Draco high-fived Millicent Bulstrode.

Suddenly, there was ANOTHER loud noise! Everyone looked up in surprise, AGAIN, because they were all very EASILY surprised. Crabbe had fallen off the dock, and into the lake. At first people just laughed, because slapstick humor is so funny, but Goyle knew that Crabbe couldn't swim. You see, Goyle was secretly in love with Crabbe, and knew everything about him.  There were only bubbles at the spot he had disappeared, and no sign of the grunting beast himself. 

Lavender shrieked. She was in love with Crabbe too, and didn't wan't him to die.  Dumbledore was passed out. Things didn't look good for Crabbe. NO ONE knew how to swim, or at least had temporarily forgotten. But Ginny remembered the rumor about Zelda from Chapter 4.

"Zelda can save him! She's part MERMAID!" Everyone else quickly remembered that they, too, had heard that rumor.  Except for Ernie MacMillan who had heard that she was 100% recycled plastic. They all looked hopefully at Mary Sue, who had suddenly become very busy picking invisible pieces of dust off her robes. She looked up. 

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Thank Merlin! Mary Sue's going to save my boyfriend!" Lavender and Goyle both stopped at the same time. "Ummmmm....." said Goyle.

Chants of "ZEL-DA!  ZEL-DA!" went through the crowd and she was hustled over to the lake. "But, I don't have my... that is... the.. proper equipment.. and my er... lifesaving badge is up in my room ... and..." she stalled.

Hermione raised her eyebrows in anticipation as Goyle and Lavender hoisted Zelda up over the water and CHUCKED her in the lake. 

"But I can't swim …bblllllggllll!"

Zelda sunk like a perfect, beautiful rock. Lucky for her, she really WAS part recycled plastic, because she had had a boob job. She floated back to the surface and bobbed up and down. People were PASSING OUT from surprise… or perhaps from drinking too much. Hermione just chuckled. 

Zelda spluttered as Crabbe floated by on a piece of driftwood. He paddled weakly over to her and she grabbed on. "Promise me…" he forced out as he passed the wood to her and released it "... promise me you'll never let go…" Just like in Titanic.  Except he sunk about three inches and then his feet hit the bottom of the lake. 

"Ummmmm." Crabbe looked from side to side, surprised that he wasn't drowning. HEROICALLY, he grabbed Zelda and the driftwood and walked them both to where it was shallow enough for her to touch too. As they emerged from the water he raised both fists in the air and shouted, "I'm king of the world! Woooo hoooo!", which caused the crowd to go absolutely nutty with their own cheers and Woo-hoos and one anonymous shout of "GO PACKERS!"

When the cheers died down, Zelda was still on the edge of the lake, coughing with her head in her hands. The crowd, which was becoming really used to ACTING IN UNISON, was concerned. They thought maybe she was worried about her clothes, because they were looking a bit murky and very wet. But Zelda was just trying to hide her face from everyone.

Hermione's mind went wild with the possibilities. _Maybe she's a really a robot, or maybe she's half-squirrel! Maybe she really has a mullet! Maybe she looks just like Voldemort!_

But she looked up slowly, and people started shouting and screaming....

"What the bloody HELL?"

"Merlin's BALLS!"

"Jack's a DONUT!"  That one was Ron.  Ginny glared at him. "What? I thought it was a funny line!"

It was a fate worse than death.  It was horrifying!

Actually, it was utterly, totally PREDICTABLE and actually somewhat dull.

Mary Sue was _normal-looking_!

"Ayieeeeee!" screamed Crabbe.  There was a leech on his leg.


	6. Zelda gets sorted, SexGodDraco

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis **

**Chapter Six**

**In which Zelda is ridiculed and Draco becomes a SLEAZY sex god.  **

Everyone had been SHOCKED when Zelda had fallen in the lake and her beautifiying potion had worn off.  She wasn't beautiful, OR perfect.  She wasn't even British.  She was just a regular, normal American who had read a few too many fanfics and really REALLY wanted to go to Hogwarts.  So she had devised the potion to make her gorgeous so everyone would be blinded by her beauty and let her do whatever she wanted.  And it had worked… until now.  Now she was just another student.  So she had to be sorted by the Sorting Hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Hermione looked up in surprise. Hermione had just assumed Zelda would end up in Gryffindor. But instead she was in Slytherin. _Thank Merlin!  Maybe now I won't have to deal with her ALL THE FREAKING TIME._

The entire school had gathered to see Zelda's sorting. Dumbledore was standing in front of the Great Hall regarding Zelda sternly. The twinkle was gone from his eye, and he looked like a weary old wizard, hardened by life and by the very idea that someone as wonderful as Zelda could have duped them all so spectacularly. Either that or he was majorly HUNGOVER. 

"Zelda," said McGonagall, very disappointed, "You will no longer be head girl. You are banned for life from the dueling club and you now must play the tuba instead of the flute in the school band. I am so very ashamed of you. What on earth were you thinking?"

As the whole school watched, Zelda was forced to tell the entire sordid tale. "I just wanted everyone to like me! I wanted to be the popular girl I never was in real life. Most of all, I wanted to have stunning eyes and perfect hair." She choked out a sob. "I thought I could maintain the beauty charms and the popularity charms forever. But somehow when I fell in the lake they wore off." 

Hermione pondered this. _How was she able to fool everyone for so long? And what exactly about the lake made the charms wear off? _It didn't make any sense but she had to admit it was pretty convenient for the plot of the story.

"But why?" demanded Professor Snape, his eyes flashing with anger. "Why all the beauty charms? Why did you try to make yourself British when you are so obviously an American who knows next to nothing about British people? Did you think that a 'lorry' here and an 'jumper' there would solve it all?"

She just stared at the floor, tears welling up in her hideously normal brown eyes.

"And why don't you grace us all with your real name, since Zelda Slythlepuff-Gryffinclaw is something you obviously cobbled together in two minutes along with the rest of your background story." Snape was raging. Hermione sighed to herself. She would have to tell him his anger management classes were NOT helping. 

"It's... oh, it's so embarrassing. It's... Zelda _Rowsdower_." She buried her head in her hands dramatically. Ron snickered.

"Ah yes... _Miss Rowsdower_." Snape's voice was as smooth as pudding laced with razor blades. "Instead of detention with just one teacher, we have decided that the WHOLE SCHOOL gets to participate in your punishment because you have punished all of us with your sickeningly perfect persona for TOO LONG."

The students perked up at this.

"The house elves are sending up rotten food and you will allow 1000 irate teenagers to pelt you with it until you understand the depth of the suffering you have put us all through."

Cheers rang out through the Great Hall.

Dumbledore regained some of his twinkle as he proclaimed "Let the pelting begin!" and gleefully scooped up a handful of moldy beans. Hermione watched as Harry and a particularly vengeful Ron dug into the raw beef with gusto and flung it up at Zelda. She joined in with a tomato but her heart just wasn't in it. The majority of the students were quite engrossed in chucking nasty leftovers at Zelda, so it was a surprise to Hermione when someone scooted up right behind her and began rubbing her shoulders. _Who on earth could that be? My secret boyfriend Snape wouldn't dare touch me in front of anyone else, and all my other friends are currently exacting their revenge. Hmmm._

It felt pretty good, she had to admit. But she suddenly remembered Ollivander's SLIMY stare from Harry's bed. _I suppose I better turn around and look just to make sure it's not someone gross._

She turned 1/4 of the way around and saw Hagrid munching on some of the rotten leftovers. It wasn't him.

She continued on to 1/2 of the way and saw Ollivander making out with Filch in the corner. It wasn't them either.

At 3/4 of the way around she saw the Bloody Baron, the basilisk, Lucious Malfoy, Barty Crouch, Mad-Eye Moody, Firenze, Quirrell, Peter Pettigrew, and Vernon Dursley all in a heated discussion at the back of the room. _Whew, thank God it's none of them.  So who could it be?_

Behind her she found a sleazy smile attached to the face of Draco. "Hhhhhi..." -he paused and gazed at her - "Hermione. Did you know that 99% of backrubs lead to... sex?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Hermione scrunched up her face in disgust. "Draco. Malfoy. First of all, stop touching me this instant. Second of all, that's just a statistic that some perverted idiot made up so he could use it to get women in bed. And it won't work on me."

He gave a sickening half-smile, and took her hand gently. "Hermione, I know you think that our love can never be fully realized because you're not good enough for me, being a Mudblood and everything. But I've moved beyond that! I'm ready," he said as he tilted his head and moved his lips closer to hers, "I'm ready to consummate our.... passion." The last word was a breathy whisper that caused Hermione to blink.  She grabbed Draco's head to stop it from reaching hers.

"Er, Draco." She knew she had to think fast.

"Yes, my forbidden fruit?"

"Um... well, it's just that... we haven't been on a star-crossed adventure that, um, causes us to bond yet. So I'm..." she gritted her teeth, "that is, I'm not ready to admit my true feelings to myself yet." 

"Oh, baby," he murmured. "You don't have to have to admit your feelings yet. You can still have what you've always dreamed of.  A night with the trademarked Malfoy Member.. me fulfilling your wildest fantasies.  OUCH!" He rubbed his head where Hermione had whapped him.

"Malfoy. Read my lips. Although you are adequately hot and often sexy in your own special evil rich boy way, right now is not a good time. Okay? I think you haven't been feeling well lately."

Draco actually looked wounded at that, and Hermione instantly felt bad. "And.. well, I'm already doing Snape, and I just wouldn't want you to get hurt."

He looked up. "Oh, FINE! Well when you see the true value of your feelings for me, we'll just see who's rejecting who!" The ego-bruised stomped off in a huff. 

Most of the other students had grown bored with the unrecognizable pile of food that used to be Hogwarts' newest Slytherin, Miss Zelda Rowsdower, and had trickled out of the Great Hall. Only Dumbledore was left, still vigorously hurling day-old, congealed bangers and mash at the still-shuddering lump.


	7. A peek into the lives of Slytherins

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis**

**Chapter Seven**

**In which Draco is still a sex god, people hate Zelda, and we visit the Slytherin dorms for some bad poetry and toast.**

The next day, in Transfiguration, Hermione was copying down notes as usual while Harry and Ron concentrated on kicking Zelda's chair from behind. Every time the chair was bumped, it scraped against the floor with a loud noise and caused McGonagall to glare haughtily at Zelda and take off house points from Slytherin. It hadn't been a good class for the former suck-up. She was still trying a little too hard and making up for the lack of beauty charms with incredibly SLUTTY clothes. She was wearing a tight pink tank-top with low rider jeans and platform shoes with rhinestones on the sides. When she walked into class five minutes late hoping to make an entrance, McGonagall had simply stared disapprovingly at her shirt and noted, "May I suggest a size _up_ from that?" and had removed 20 points for being late, 30 points for being out of uniform, and 40 points for dressing so skankily. The Gryffindors had snickered, and the Slytherins had seethed. So besides the kicks from Harry and Ron, there had been pencils, spitwads, and transfigured bits of gum flicked over from the other side of the room. 

_Zelda had handled all of it rather bravely_, thought Hermione. _She had still tried to answer questions and participate in the class discussion. Too bad she still SUCKS.._

There was a knock at the classroom door. McGonagall answered it.  She was annoyed at being interrupted, but when she saw that it didn't have anything to do with Zelda, she relaxed and turned to Hermione. "There's a message for you from the headmaster." Hermione stood up, confused. She got outside the classroom and was handed a note by an anonymous Ravenclaw fifth year. "What's this all about?" she asked, but only got a shrug in return as the Ravenclaw scurried down the corridor. Hermione opened the note and scanned it quickly.

_Hermione,_

_Severus is lying on the floor in the hallway by his classroom. Apparently he's in pain or something, maybe from a recent visit to the Dark Lord? Who knows. Anyways, I'm kind of busy so could you please take care of him?_

_Thanks, _

_A. Dumbledore_

_Oh, honestly_, she thought to herself as she headed for the stairs. 

She passed a dark corner and heard Draco's silky chuckle, and the responding giggle of the Ravenclaw who had just delivered the note. _Wow, getting it on in the hallway during class.  He really IS a sleazy sex god, _she noted wryly.

***************************************

The sound of serious applause echoed through the Slytherin common room. The goth-punk first years were having one of their poetry readings. As Zelda watched, another one of her black-wearing, unhappy-looking dorm mates stood up and cleared her throat, scroll in hand. With a solemn voice, she recited:

The crow calls hauntingly, from its

perch within the everlasting

night.

My shriveled soul can only weep

for those around me;

they are lost, lost

lost,

drifting on the endless

bitter 

sea.

There were a few tears and mumblings of "so true" throughout the room, along with more dignified clapping.

Zelda didn't know how much more she could take. These kids had NOTEBOOK after NOTEBOOK full of some of the WORST poetry in the history of mankind. And the recital had been dragging on for over two hours. But the punk first-years were the only students in the whole school who allowed her to sit within 15 feet of them without giving her evil stares or blatantly teasing her to her face. Everyone HATED her now.  Well, except for Goyle. He was embarrassed that the whole school knew about his relationship Crabbe, and was now desperately denying his sexuality. He had been hitting on Zelda non-stop in a very macho manner ever since the lake incident.  He was obviously too dim to realize that she was currently being shunned by the entire school. 

For lack of anything better to do, she had agreed to meet him at 9 for some mysterious "date", but was feeling increasingly nervous about the whole thing. She looked at her watch. 8:55. _The sooner it starts, the sooner it's over_, she tried to reassure herself. 

She looked around the common room desperately, while briefly entertaining the idea of dying her hair black and purchasing some ripped fishnet tights. Besides the literary event, there were very few people around. Blaise Zabini was arguing loudly with a couple sixth years. Zelda squinted at the ambiguous-looking Slytherin. She had heard Blaise referred to as a boy by some and a girl by others. But squint as she might, she could not discern Blaise's gender.

"Ahem."

Zelda turned to see Goyle standing apprehensively in front of her. He was clutching flowers, a box of chocolates, and a sickeningly pink teddy bear. Instead of speaking, which seemed a little beyond him, he thrust out the gifts.  When she took them he just grunted and motioned for her to follow him into his dorm room. 

She raised her eyebrows as she entered Goyle's room. The scene was a curious blend.  Most of the room looked like a disgustingly messy boys' dorm.  But right in the middle there was a table set for a romantic dinner for two, with flickering candle, a covered silver platter, and a red rose hastily jammed into a beer bottle. She had to step over piles of dirty clothes in order to get to it.  Goyle, ever the GENTLEMAN, sat himself down and just stared at her expectantly. She broke the silence with "It's um, really nice, Gregory," and tried not to sound too sarcastic. Apparently, that was all he needed to hear, because he grunted, "I made dinner", and whisked the top off the platter. Zelda didn't know what she had expected the meal to consist of but it certainly wasn't this.

"It's toast," he said helpfully. "I made it myself. No magic or anything." He pointed to a toaster that was plugged into Hogwarts' only electrical socket. 

They were munching awkwardly on the toast when the door burst open and Draco and Crabbe marched in, sweaty from Quidditch practice. Draco was relaying the story of his sexual conquest of Madame Hooch from earlier in the day when they spotted the two toast-eaters in the middle of the room. Draco's face changed to a sly grin. He poked Crabbe in the side.  This jolted Crabbe abruptly and he wiped the look of longing off his face. Goyle, on the other hand, unabashedly stared at Crabbe sadly.  It was clear how much they loved each other.  Zelda wondered why they didn't just get together, because it wasn't like anyone at Hogwarts cared.  Anyone who reads fanfiction knows that EVERYONE in the school has been with EVERYONE else in the school, several times.  Zelda suddenly realized she could get out of the awkward "date", AND hook Crabbe and Goyle back up, all in one move.

She swallowed her toast. "Crabbe, we were just talking about you!"

"You were?" he said suspiciously.

"We were?" said Goyle suspiciously. Zelda kicked him under the table. Unfortunately there was no tablecloth and Crabbe could see exactly what she had done.  Fortunately he had not read enough clichéd writing to know what a kick under the table meant.

"Yes, Gregory here was just telling me how you, er.... all about that time you guys, um... Oh, hell." She stood up. "I don't see what either of you are worried about. No one in the entire school cares that you're together. In fact, most of the people that I've heard talking about think you are perfect for each other, what with your similar interests in being evil, not understanding things, following Draco around and grunting and whatnot."

As if on cue, they both grunted in response. They were both startled by the sudden noise coming from the other person, and looked over in surprise. And then, their gazes locked and they both were drawn in by each others' dim eyes. Oblivious to everything around them they met on Crabbe's bed and became a passionate blur of beefy arms and whiskery kisses. Zelda was pretty proud of herself until she remembered...

Draco. He sidled up to her in the way that only sexgod!Draco could and began rubbing her shoulders and back. His voice was once again silky. "Looks like it was a tense day for you, seeing as your date ditched you. Did you know that 99% of all backrubs lead to sex?"

**********************************************

Elsewhere in the dungeons, Hermione had changed into her nightclothes and was crawling into bed alongside Snape, who was setting aside the latest issue of Potionmaster Quarterly. 

"I just don't get it." Hermione was perplexed. 

"Hmmmm?"

"I don't understand what's going on with Draco. He's having some bizzare-o identity crisis."

Snape looked pained, and **dark**. "Hermione," he said** darkly**. "When I was in my last year at Hogwarts, just like Draco is now, I knew exactly where I was headed after graduation. I was headed down a long, **dark**, road towards the **Dark** Lord and the **Dark** Mark. Needless to say, it was very** dark**, and I've never told you about my **dark** past because you wouldn't be able to handle it. I've done horrible things, Hermione. Things that you should never have to hear about."

"_Crucio_!"

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Severus writhed underneath the blankets. "Hermione! What the hell was THAT for?"

"To SHUT you UP. I've heard that come out of your mouth at least a million times in the past month. I already know about every little dumb thing you've done, okay? I bribed Sirius Black and he told me everything he heard about you and the Death Eaters while he was at Azkaban. I guess the dementors use their mind-controlling powers to gossip uncontrollably when they aren't sucking the life out of the prisoners."

Severus tried to look brooding, but ended up squirming uncomfortably because of the pain. 

Hermione sighed. She knew what would cheer him up. 

"I've got an idea, darling." She gave him her best come-hither look before changing into her animagus form, a gyrfalcon. Severus immediately perked up and growled sexily at her suggestive tail feathers before changing into _his_ animagus form, which was, conveniently, the same thing. His last thought before they mated was that he was glad he wasn't a skunk or a cow or something, because then he would never have been able to ... well, nevermind.


	8. Zelda bonds with Hermione, NerdDraco

**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis **

**Chapter Eight**

**In which Lucius sits through a boring meeting, Hermione bonds with Zelda, and we discover why Draco has been changing personalities so often.**

Lucious Malfoy rolled his steely silver eyes upwards. He checked his watch. _Merlin's leg hair, only 10:17_. He tapped his pen on his desk, adjusted his office chair, and tried to concentrate on the PowerPoint presentation.

"As you can see, equity has been accruing through the second and third fiscal quarters."

BO-RING! When did Voldemort turn into an insufferable corporate big dog with a horrible comb-over? Was it when he traded in his robes for a set of indistinguishable dark business suits? When he took that business college class on investments? These days, Death Eater meetings were a lot more like the traditional sense of the word "meeting" and a lot less like the bloody massacres and subsequent drunken revels they used to be.

Lucious had grown fed up with all of this.

What he really wanted to be doing was to be working on his evil, sinister plan. His diabolical plan to conquer ALL OF WIZARDING ENGLAND…by annoying several children at his son's school. Ha HA! It was so crazy, and such a horrible, idiotic idea, that it JUST MIGHT WORK!

Voldemort was shouting into his cell phone. "Dammit, Linda, the Citibank merger is a crucial account! I don't care what it takes!"

Lucious closed his eyes in an exasperated fashion and thought _Get me out of here_. Lengthy, pointless meetings like this almost made him wish Voldemort would go back to more traditional forms of torture.

*****************

Hermione sighed. Then she blinked. Then she yawned, scratched her arm, wiggled her toes and tried to think of a good way to start out Act Two, Chapter Eight.

She was in the library, because all pivotal scenes involving Hermione have something to do with the library. Hermione knew she had to eventually team up with Zelda and use Girl Power or intelligence or her Magic 8-Ball to solve the only remaining mystery: what the HELL was up with Draco?

Not surprisingly, he also happened to be in the library. He was playing Dungeons and Dragons today, with a bunch of Ravenclaw second-years. Naturally, he was wearing leather armor, and carrying a jewel-encrusted sword. Now, since Harry Potter is a fantasy series, you readers may think this is normal but really Draco had purchased these at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

Hermione took nerdy!Draco in stride, and continued browsing the books. She bypassed _Quidditch in Bed_, and a dodgy-looking series called "_When I Kissed the Teacher_", She settled on "_The History of Forks: A Modern Muggle Miracle_!" and sat down at an empty table to begin reading.

The book started out with_ "Throughout the ages, at least the ages where we had forks…"_

She had gotten as far as the first line when Zelda came over, uncertainly. "Um, Hermione….?"

Hermione looked up, grudgingly.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

"I guess not."

"Great. Do you mind if we make some casual jokes, then laugh warmly and bond and become BFF? Oh, and can we speed it up, because the author says there's only like two chapters left?"

Hermione considered this for a moment. She knew it was futile to resist because, God dammit! If it weren't for wacky new character pairings there would be nothing to write about.

"OK," she said, "but what does BFF mean?"

"Best Friends Forever, of course! When you write me a note, you have to write that on the bottom, along with L.Y.L.A.S, which means 'Love You Like A Sister'.  And now that you are my best friend, I can't hide my secret any longer. Not the not-actually-perfect one, the OTHER one."

Hermione perked up. _Voldemort's daughter, robot, sex change?_

It's…. well, it's kind of embarrassing. It's my brother."

_Oh boy_, thought Hermione._ I thought we could at least avoid incest for ONE LOUSY STORY_.

"His name isn't Gary, like I said in Chapter Four. It's **_Larry_**."

Hermione just looked at Zelda. After a pause, she said, "…………..that's it?"

"Uh, yes."

Hermione narrowed her eyes and tried to think of a sarcastic comment, but was interrupted by a commotion from the other side of the room.

"We're off to SECOND BREAKFAST!" Draco's new friends snickered at his hilarious joke. They all adjusted their glasses, gathered up their dice, organized their _Magic: The Gathering_ cards, then marched off to the Great Hall while speaking Klingon and chugging Mountain Dew.

"All I can say is wow," said Hermione. "Okay.  Let's do a recap of the Many Faces of Draco. He started out his normal self, but then transformed into a stoner, then a psychopath, then a frat boy, a sleazy sex god, and a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic."

"Yeah, I'd really love to figure out what's up with Draco….. but HOW?" pondered Zelda, dramatically.

"I know! Let's go listen to my plot-specific radio!" shouted Hermione, and they bolted up to the Gryffindor dormitories, but not before reshelving their books and pushing in their chairs.  

***************************************************

**LATER THAT EVENING………**

"I can't believe it," said Zelda.

"I can't believe it," said Hermione.

"_Oh, believe it already!_" thought Crookshanks, and he rolled over and fell asleep.

"Lucious Malfoy – that bastard! I can't believe he teamed up with fanfiction writers in order to give Draco an identity crisis and eventually break his will. THAT'S why Draco has been acting so weird and changing so drastically!" exclaimed Zelda.

"Um….. hel-**_LO_**! I was totally just with you when you heard that on the radio? You are repeating it WHY?" asked an annoyed Hermione.

"I had to sum it up for the readers."

"Oh, right. Hey, good point." Hermione smiled. "You know, I'm actually kind of glad we're being forced to be friends."

"That's a really heartwarming compliment," said Zelda, dryly.

"Don't mention it."

"So, since we're friends, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Is that Professor Snape's robe on your floor over there?"

Hermione glanced over and blushed. "Ummmmmmmmm……. No. No, it most certainly is NOT. And no more questions."


	9. H and Z get slashy, GayStereotypesDraco

  
  
**The Metamorphosis of a Nemesis**

**Chapter Nine**

**  
In which Hermione and Zelda accidentally do it, Draco gets demanding with the guys, we narrowly avoid a SONGFIC, and it is suddenly time for the Yule Ball.**

  
  
"So, how the hell can we save Draco?" Zelda asked.  It was late morning. Hermione rolled over in her bed. "Phrrmmmmm," she mumbled. "Tired."  
  
Wait a minute, she thought. Her eyes flew open and she saw.... Zelda! In her bed! But wait, that would mean that they had slept together....  
  
  
*************************************  
  
"So, how the hell can we save Draco?"  
  
Hermione and Zelda were in the library, fully clothed and sitting at opposite ends of a long table. This was at Hermione's wish. Hermione was surprisingly naive on such things but Zelda was starting to discover that in order to fit in at this school, you had to start sleeping with pretty much everyone. _Oh well_, thought Zelda. _Once Snape brings her to a "staff meeting", she'll figure it out. Ha!  _

_Wait... maybe I mean ewwwwwww.  
_  
"I don't know," said Hermione. "but I bet we'll think of something, possibly at the last minute."  
  
They sat and thought and thought, and thought, for about four hours. They never thought of anything, so Draco was never saved, and he went crazy and killed them all.  
  
  
THE END.  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "That is SO not the end."  
  
Harry and Ron came in. Harry was telling Ron, "After we were done with the trapeze and the nipple clamps, I was in the leather swing for like two and a half hours!"   
  
"I know," replied Ron. "HE told me all about it while he was dragging me from the dungeons to the empty classrooms to the astronomy tower. Which, by the way was totally crowded last night. We couldn't even roll over without hitting someone. Afterwards we went down to the kitchens.  Can I just say that I've never seen a House Elf do THAT before!"  
  
Hermione and Zelda exchanged a knowing glance. The boys could only be talking about Draco.  
  
**SLAM**! The library doors opened dramatically. Our favorite blond Slytherin entered, also dramatically. He was dressed in a shimmery pink dress, smoking a long, thin cigarette, wearing enough makeup to kill a test subject rabbit, and screeching in a very high pitched voice to one of the many guys in his entourage.  
  
Draco was now flaming gay.  
  
"Yikes," said Hermione. "Not only is he flaming gay, but he appears to be gay as might be pictured by a 12-year-old homophobe who doesn't know the first thing about gay people. Where the hell did Lucious find the author for THIS Draco?"  
  
Zelda watched all this with an amused look on her face. "So! Harry, Ron..." she said, "What you're saying is that Draco is a very demanding slash lover."  
  
They nodded. They were still wary of Zelda.  
  
"Maybe he's... a bit too much."  
  
The nodding continued.  
  
"And maybe.... you're starting to want out."  
  
Vigorous nodding.  
  
"Perfect! Hermione and I were just discussing how to turn Draco back to his regular old self, instead of this series of bad caricatures he has become."  
  
Hermione started gathering her things up from the table. "We'll explain it on the way to class. Lucious is trying to brainwash Draco, it's a long story. For now, I think we need to make a hasty exit because the situation in here looks like it could turn ugly." She pointed over at Draco.  
  
He was standing up on the table holding a microphone.  
  
"Oh crap. A songfic!"  
  
They ran for it, making it out just before the first non-melodious notes of "I Will Survive" shattered the peace of the library.  
  
  
*************************************  
  
LATER ON--- IN THE GREAT HALL  
  
  
"Who are you taking to the Yule Ball?" Zelda asked Hermione.  
  
"What? The Yule Ball? Where did THAT come from? What the hell time of year is it?" Hermione was confused.  
  
"Hermione, you're thinking far too hard. Who cares about proper time flow?  This is FANFICTION."  
  
"Well, seeing as how I thought it was still October, I haven't thought about it yet. What about you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Are you kidding me? I'm an ex-Mary Sue. No one would be caught dead with me. Marcus Flint asked me on a dare and I had to kick him in the groin."  
  
"Way to go!" Hermione looked impressed.  
  
"Thanks." Zelda blushed.  
  
"Hey!" Hermione brightened. "Perhaps the Yule Ball would be a good opportunity for me to have a tortured moment with Snape, in front of the whole school. I'll have to wear something grown-up and slutty."  
  
They chewed their meals in silence. Zelda remarked, "You still haven't thought of a plan to save Draco yet."  
  
"Oh, *I* have to think of the plan?" said Hermione.  
  
"Yeah, because the rest of us would probably just screw it up."  
  
"STUDENTS! May I have your attention, please?" Dumbledore clapped his hands up at the Head Table. I have some announcements. First of all, I am a wise old sage. Secondly, don't forget we're having the Yule Ball next week."  
  
"Huh?" "What?" The students looked at each other. They hadn't even celebrated Halloween yet. Dumbledore noticed this so he quickly whipped out his wand and conjured up some snow, Christmas trees, and some mass Memory Charms. The students cheered!  Much better.  
  
Dumbledore continued. "And finally, it is my unfortunate duty to inform you that the Tribal Council, er.... I mean, the Order of the Phoenix has spoken and McGonagall has been voted off the island... er, school."  
  
McGonagall protested as she was hurriedly escorted out by burly security guards. The students looked around, confused again. But thankfully, the chapter was over.


End file.
